consuming fire

so last night i went to love hop. i gotta admit, it was pretty weird and i wasn't exactly feelin it, but God works even if you're in an uncomfortable situation in which you aren't very open.

we started out with prayer requests and just personal prayers and such, and it was really weird because i just couldn't focus on what anyone was saying. it wasn't that i didn't care, my mind just kept wandering to different places. after that, we just started chatting about life and god and such and i forget who said it but it was said that we shouldn't come here with expectations from god, just come with an open heart.
i didn't listen
i begged god
i needed something
he NEEDED to show me something.


i haven't necessarily had doubts lately about my faith, i just feel like its at a standstill, so i needed something to ingnite a spark inside of me.
i can't say that happened last night, but i can feel it happening.
everyone prayed over me to receive the holy spirit, but my heart, my soul was fighting back. believe me, i want the holy spirit to work in me in ways unheard of, but for some reason i just couldn't receive him. then it hit me during quiet time.

i started just doodling on a piece of paper, and suddenly i couldn't control my writing. my hand was going nuts and in big bold letters on the piece of paper, it said "you don't have room for both"

i knew exactly what it meant.

throughout my life, i've forgiven for the wrongs that have happened. actually, i've told myself that i have forgiven. because inside deep deep down, i new that it was still there. i have held on to absolutely everything and it has built up inside of me, forcing me to become something that i never wanted to be. bitter.

those words hit me like a ton of bricks. i needed to let go so that i could have room for so much more. so much more important things. so much more godly things.



i honestly can't say that the letting go process has started, but i have recognized and accepted what needs to happen. then the spark with turn into a fire. and the fire will become unstoppable.
it will take a lot for this to happen, but i know god will be here through it all
god in my hurting.
there in my weeping.