i've been tested quite a bit lately.
my living situation is less than ideal for me. being alone is a huge issue.
i've been facing confusion with school and have been given no answers. i thought culinary was the way to go, but then i didn't get into any of my classes.
i've had to be a support for jacob, being as his grandpa is terminally ill.
all of this was enough for me. it was more than i could bear.
then macey got hit by a car. i'm not best friends with her or anything, but it hurts. the reality that something like this can happen to anyone ANYONE really began to set in.
i carried these burdens on my shoulders, and let me tell you, it's heavy. i'm physically hurting from the weight.
i'm tired.
emotionally
physically
mentally
and spiritually
exhausted.
but.
somehow.
i woke up this morning feeling this peace washed over me.
it's raining. i'm drenched and freezing, but i feel this overwhelming warmth was over me.
God broke me, and now he alone is lifting me back up.
slowly
but
surely.
i'm still tired
emotionally
physically
mentally
but spiritually, i have take a double shot of espresso (with a little whipped cream on top so it tastes half-way decent)
nothing else really matters right now. life matters. not my school, not my classes, not my job, not where i live.
LIFE
MATTERS.
the lord has a plan for me, not to break me down and beat me, but to make me stronger. he has plans of goodness and peacefullness. he has plans of prosperity and plans of truth. he has plans of success.
all of these
just
for
me.
Jesus, take these burdens from my back.
my head hurts, my back hurts, my eyes hurt, my stomach hurts, my neck hurts.
everything hurts.
take them. they are yours.
7.12.09
18.11.09
Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.
ten words.
ten words.
ten words.
ten words.
ten words!
ten words start a full two days of confusion.
God says to forgive others right?
then why in the world did Jesus, while dying on the cross, call upon God to forgive these people? Why did he not say, "Father, I forgive them for they know not what they do?"
so i searched, and guess what? nowhere in the bible does it say to "forgive" one another for a moral wrong that they committed against you. (or at least not from what i have seen) in the OT, it states that we are to forgive the debts of others, the physical aspect. even in the NT, in the Lord's prayer, it states "..as we forgive those who have debts against us"
yes, the NT states that we need to forgive others, in the general sense, but never NEVER does it say to forgive against moral wrongs.
why?
because that is not our job!
who are we to think that we have the same power of forgiveness as our Father? even Jesus, dying on the cross, knew it was not his place. He asked God to forgive them.
so now what? i don't think that it means that there is no forgiveness through us, but i think it means that we simply have to call upon God to let us receive the peace of his forgiveness in order for us to make it right. think about it.
our job is to reconcile with that person and reconcile in our hearts.
forgiveness is for God
reconciliation is for us.
yea.
that's what's in my head lately.
the end.
ten words.
ten words.
ten words.
ten words!
ten words start a full two days of confusion.
God says to forgive others right?
then why in the world did Jesus, while dying on the cross, call upon God to forgive these people? Why did he not say, "Father, I forgive them for they know not what they do?"
so i searched, and guess what? nowhere in the bible does it say to "forgive" one another for a moral wrong that they committed against you. (or at least not from what i have seen) in the OT, it states that we are to forgive the debts of others, the physical aspect. even in the NT, in the Lord's prayer, it states "..as we forgive those who have debts against us"
yes, the NT states that we need to forgive others, in the general sense, but never NEVER does it say to forgive against moral wrongs.
why?
because that is not our job!
who are we to think that we have the same power of forgiveness as our Father? even Jesus, dying on the cross, knew it was not his place. He asked God to forgive them.
so now what? i don't think that it means that there is no forgiveness through us, but i think it means that we simply have to call upon God to let us receive the peace of his forgiveness in order for us to make it right. think about it.
our job is to reconcile with that person and reconcile in our hearts.
forgiveness is for God
reconciliation is for us.
yea.
that's what's in my head lately.
the end.
4.11.09
When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful,
a miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.
And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily,
joyfully, playfully watching me.
But then they send me away to teach me how to be sensible,
logical, responsible, practical.
And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable,
clinical, intellectual, cynical.
There are times when all the world's asleep,
the questions run too deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am.
Now watch what you say or they'll be calling you a radical,
liberal, fanatical, criminal.
Won't you sign up your name, we'd like to feel you're
acceptable, respecable, presentable, a vegtable!
At night, when all the world's asleep,
the questions run so deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am.
a miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.
And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily,
joyfully, playfully watching me.
But then they send me away to teach me how to be sensible,
logical, responsible, practical.
And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable,
clinical, intellectual, cynical.
There are times when all the world's asleep,
the questions run too deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am.
Now watch what you say or they'll be calling you a radical,
liberal, fanatical, criminal.
Won't you sign up your name, we'd like to feel you're
acceptable, respecable, presentable, a vegtable!
At night, when all the world's asleep,
the questions run so deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am.
21.10.09
there was a boy, a very strange enchanted boy.
i want
to get out of this town. i want to go camping. no i need to go camping. i need some adventure in this mundane routine that i call my life. i want to go out into the wilderness and just get lost. i want to sit around a campfire with friends and tell stories and roast marshmallows. i want to enjoy the pure nature around me. but most of all, i want to lay under the stars and breathe in the clean crisp air. i want it to cut into my lungs. i want it to hurt. a good hurt. because it is such a drastic change from this pollution i suck into my lungs every day.
to go home. no i need to go home. i miss my family. i miss my sister jenna because she is so unconditionally loving. she's an amazing artist. she's the best little sister i can hope for. i miss my brother max because every time i come home, he's grown at least an inch and this is a physical reminder of how much i am missing in his life. i miss my sister jamie because every time i come home i expect her to be there, but she's not. she's married and out of the house and i'm still not used to it. i miss my brother cristian because he is one of the greatest examples of a person that has a pure and good heart. i miss my dad because he's so strong and supportive and always there for me. and plus, his hugs are the best. i miss my mom. oh do i miss my mom. we bicker, we fight, but deep down we know its because we're an exact replica of eachother, and this is the greatest friend god could have given me. i want to go home.
to know what i'm doing with my life. i go to school. for what? who knows. i go to work. for what? to pay rent in order to live at a place that is close to where i'm going to school for...oh yea. i have no clue. life is so repetative, so mundane, so BORING.
BUT
somehow
i
am
content
i have this deep joy. why? i have no clue. but i don't think i'm meant to understand. i think all that i'm meant to know for sure is that god will provide for me. and in that, i am content. i'm here because he wants me to be here. it's hard, yes. one of the hardest things i've ever done. but god will tell me when he's ready for me to go. and god, guess what?
I'M LISTENING!
to get out of this town. i want to go camping. no i need to go camping. i need some adventure in this mundane routine that i call my life. i want to go out into the wilderness and just get lost. i want to sit around a campfire with friends and tell stories and roast marshmallows. i want to enjoy the pure nature around me. but most of all, i want to lay under the stars and breathe in the clean crisp air. i want it to cut into my lungs. i want it to hurt. a good hurt. because it is such a drastic change from this pollution i suck into my lungs every day.
to go home. no i need to go home. i miss my family. i miss my sister jenna because she is so unconditionally loving. she's an amazing artist. she's the best little sister i can hope for. i miss my brother max because every time i come home, he's grown at least an inch and this is a physical reminder of how much i am missing in his life. i miss my sister jamie because every time i come home i expect her to be there, but she's not. she's married and out of the house and i'm still not used to it. i miss my brother cristian because he is one of the greatest examples of a person that has a pure and good heart. i miss my dad because he's so strong and supportive and always there for me. and plus, his hugs are the best. i miss my mom. oh do i miss my mom. we bicker, we fight, but deep down we know its because we're an exact replica of eachother, and this is the greatest friend god could have given me. i want to go home.
to know what i'm doing with my life. i go to school. for what? who knows. i go to work. for what? to pay rent in order to live at a place that is close to where i'm going to school for...oh yea. i have no clue. life is so repetative, so mundane, so BORING.
BUT
somehow
i
am
content
i have this deep joy. why? i have no clue. but i don't think i'm meant to understand. i think all that i'm meant to know for sure is that god will provide for me. and in that, i am content. i'm here because he wants me to be here. it's hard, yes. one of the hardest things i've ever done. but god will tell me when he's ready for me to go. and god, guess what?
I'M LISTENING!
5.10.09
nightmares
have no purpose.
i hate them.
they eat me up and spit me out and leave me trembling in the dark.
they laugh while the images haunt me all day.
and they come back to play some more when the sun goes down.
so nightmares,
stay the hell away from me.
you have no purpose.
you're stupid
and evil.
don't ever come back
you're not welcome here where my dreams are meant to be.
i hate them.
they eat me up and spit me out and leave me trembling in the dark.
they laugh while the images haunt me all day.
and they come back to play some more when the sun goes down.
so nightmares,
stay the hell away from me.
you have no purpose.
you're stupid
and evil.
don't ever come back
you're not welcome here where my dreams are meant to be.
24.9.09
gardenias
i wouldn't say i had a bad day
but i wouldn't say i had a good one either.
but i wouldn't say i had a good one either.
i went to work, not in the greatest mood.
this happens occasionally.
and i go through work discontent the entire time.
however...
today God did not want that
today God wanted me to be happy and full of life.
and can you imagine, all it took was one small gesture of kindness.
>>an man came in. old. foreign. his voice barely even audible. usually i get
frustrated with these customers because i can't hear them. but today i was on bar.
so i made his drink ( a solo espresso) and as i was handing it to him, he pushed a
gardenia across the counter. i smiled, but he didn't stop there. he pointed to it
then pointed to my ear. so, i used a bobby pin to fasten it behind my ear.
it made me smile. but i thought i would just forget about it and go on with my night. but God wanted me to remember. throughout the entire night, the wonderful fragrance of the flower filled my nose and every time i took a deep breath, i found myself smiling, i found myself singing and dancing, showing off my happiness for everyone. maybe they'll notice there's something different about me. maybe they'll wonder why i'm so happy. it's because of God's love shown so clearly to me through a simple gardenia.
thank you, old man, whoever you are.
thank you God for the reminder that simple things should make me happy.
thank you for wonderful job with wonderful coworkers.
thank you for incredible friends.
thank you for a supportive and amazing boyfriend.
thank you for a fabulous family.
but most of all, thank you Lord for you constant reminders of you never-ending and unfailing love.
24.8.09
LOTR
yes, i know that i'm a nerd. but this quote from The Two Towers is definitely probably one of my favorite movie scenes in the world.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEMdXhfO-Wk&feature=related
Frodo:
I can’t do this, Sam.
Sam:
I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened.But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo:
What are we holding on to, Sam?
Sam:
[He helps Frodo up and says:]
That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.
>>>thank you samwise gamgee
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEMdXhfO-Wk&feature=related
Frodo:
I can’t do this, Sam.
Sam:
I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened.But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo:
What are we holding on to, Sam?
Sam:
[He helps Frodo up and says:]
That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.
>>>thank you samwise gamgee
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